Listen closely, I'll likely only say this once...

look what I found growing in my yard today! =0)


fuzzy memories...

First off as you can see, Lee's grass growing attempts seem to be somewhat successful! This will be nice to have cool grass someplace in the yard for the kids to enjoy!=0) I've been meaning to take a few minutes to type this experience down so....here goes:
A few weeks ago I found myself face to face with my ex-husband on several occasions. Keith, the kid's Dad, had been staying with his current girlfriend who lives in England since December. It was more than a little bizarre and I was the victim of taunting by a few co-workers after I almost ran into him without even noticing who he was! I stared at him wide eyed and apologized to him when I realized who he was. Just a shell of the man I met 14 years ago, he doesn't look a thing like he did for the almost 7 years we were married and we dated on and off for about three years before that. I'm going to type down a little history on our broken life together, mostly for the kids (I print and save my blog posts for them in a book) and you all are welcome to read and get a little insight as well. I wouldn't ever bad mouth him (I never have and never will) to the kids, but I won't sugar coat things either so bear with me...I'll try to be as honest as possible.
In September 1996 I moved to Dixie to attend college and live in the dorms and work an evening job to somewhat support myself. My Mom knew someone who was the General Manager for the movie theaters here in town and had promised to hire me when I moved to town to go to school. We went and talked to him the day I moved over here and he promised to give me a call as soon as he had a position open. This only took a couple of days and I soon found myself behind the snack counter at the theater behind the mall. That was the first day I saw Keith. Keith was the Manager. I remember when I was first introduced to him I couldn't take my eyes off him...it wasn't until later in life that I realized I had the strangest feeling of knowing my life would be forever changed from that point on.
Keith stood at about 5'9" had longer slicked back dark-blond hair and had a flash of the most interesting green eyes I had ever seen, like the color of old fashioned glass bottles with amber-colored spokes. We became fast friends. The other girls and I would often gang up on him spiking his soda, (if left unattended) bombarding him with hands full of ice, and I wised up quickly and learned to mop AFTER he had done his final walk through inspection (his shoes left black marks and I always had to mop again!).
In December the owner of the theaters fired the General Manager and out of loyalty several people quit at the same time too, Keith and myself included. After that Keith and I were inseparable. Keith got a job as the Assistant Manager at Dominoes and I tried to concentrate a little harder on school. Keith also made plans to attend school in Florida and get his degree in Audio Engineering. In February of the following year we discovered I was pregnant. We kept this from my family as long as possible...and I soon moved in with a friend and looked for a job, leaving any school plans behind for the time being. My folks discovered the pregnancy and were shocked and ashamed and I don't believe they told much of anyone, well close friends and family of course. Keith was to leave to go to Florida the end of May and the day he left to fly out, I had a late term miscarriage. I was devastated. I mean imagine giving birth to a dead baby...fingers, toes, he looked like Keith and we layed him to rest next to my beloved grandfather in Kanab.
I moved home with my folks and essentially hid out for the next six months, trying my hardest to heal emotionally. I flew to Florida in September and spent a week with Keith and his roommates, much to my Mom's chagrin. In January of 98 I gathered myself up and moved back to Dixie and worked and made a few friends and enjoyed attending singles (not college associated) activities with a friend. Keith and I lost contact with each other and I tried to move on with life. My friend and I hung out together, taking motorcycle rides to Zion, rollerblading, hanging out at his house he owned and paid the mortgage by renting out all the rooms. It was a platonic relationship and it was nice to have someone who just hung out with me.
In June my friend who had struck up a love interest up North at this point, had a cousin of his move in with him. He spent a lot of his free time traveling to see his new girlfriend and asked me to befriend his cousin and show him around town. I did just that and I showed him the fun things to do and we went hung out together and I became a bit uncomfortable at his insistence of things. Where we were going to go, what we were going to do and I lived by myself. He would show up at my door and made me feel uncomfortable and I will say this today and this will be the only time I say it, He took advantage of me and made me do things I didn't want to do.
My friend and his cousin followed a job opportunity that took them to Vegas in August, my mind set was not where it should have been and I would go and visit them frequently. Perhaps I was trying so hard to make amends for mistakes I had made, more likely I was afraid to be alone. My friend left for about a week and his cousin invited me to stay with him for the week, which I did. I don't know why...I've asked myself this very question a thousand times over, I've let it go now...I still don't have an answer.
I showed up at their apartment a few weeks later, hung out with my friend, went to church with the both of them...we hung out at the Stratosphere, rode the roller coaster at New York, New York...ate dinner and ice cream at the Santa Fe Station, which was close to their apartment. It was just like old times. Before I left I confessed to my friend that I had stayed with his cousin a few weeks before, I also confessed to his cousin a secret. I was answered with a "I'm not ready...." and I went home knowing I probably wouldn't hear from him again. I never did.
Enter Keith fresh home from his schooling... He had been home for about a month and I received an interesting phone call from him a couple of weeks after the incident in Vegas. I really had no intention of having anything to do with him again, but somehow agreed to meet him someplace to talk. It didn't take long for us to spend every waking minute together again.
In October Keith and I traveled to my folks' house and announced we were getting married in January. My Mom was not pleased and gritted her teeth attempting to be supportive of my decision. Keith told her I was pregnant and the circumstances involved, he promised her that he would take care of me and the baby. I am certain this was his intention, I'm not convinced to this day that he ever had the skills to be a good husband. I forgave him years ago and wish him nothing but the best in life to come.
We married in January 1999 and welcomed Drake in April. We had moved to Vegas for work and lived there till October before moving back to Dixie. Keith worked a couple of jobs and I worked as well...we struggled to stay above water, it was tough. In January of 2000 we discovered I was pregnant with Adree. Drake was only 8 months old at the time and I had just barely stopped breast feeding him to go back to work.
Tired of drowning financially, Keith and I attended a job fair for Aramark and both secured jobs through the resort. Keith would be cleaning houseboats, I would be working for W.R.A. in town for float trips from the bottom of the Dam to Lee's Ferry.
We moved in with Mom and Dad to save up enough money to ultimately move to California so Keith could again work in his field. We fought constantly. Anyone who has moved back in with their parents as an adult knows this too well... I was having a rough pregnancy and Keith couldn't cope with me trying to work and spend time with Drake and him and my folks and after a huge blow out, Keith packed his things and moved to California without me.
I lived with Mom and Dad and worked up until I had Adree in August. I was eternally grateful to move out again with my two kids 17 months and 6 weeks to California to be with Keith in October. The weather was great, our apartment was old, in disrepair, and coated with mold. Keith worked long hours and sometimes for days at a time. For the most part if he knew he had to stay at work all weekend he would drop me off at his best buddy's house in Orange County, who didn't work weekends and loved kids (he was divorced with a little girl of his own) and for some reason had no problem dragging us around with him to the beach and whatnot.
We lived in Cali for almost two years before Keith lost his job and we made the decision to move back to Dixie to be closer to family. Before we left, he and I felt that we had one more little spirit waiting for us and we got pregnant with Seth.
We moved into a house in Dixie Downs and he and I both found jobs easily. I worked more than he did most of the time and he stayed at home with the kids. In December of 2002 we welcomed little Sethee into the family. I went back to work just 5 weeks later out of necessity and ended up being promoted a short time later. Keith seemed content to not hardly work at all and out of frustration of not being to keep up with our bills, I dropped him off to sign up with S.O.S. staffing for a job with more hours and closer to something in his field. He was able to get a much better job that paid decently and I worked about 45 hours a week in my new position. We mostly worked opposite shifts to save on our sitter (our next door neighbor) and in November, we finally paid off our car that was falling apart and traded it in on a new (to us) van. Of course a month later I lost my job.
Being home all the time, I was able to have more than a minute to myself and realized how deep down unhappy I was. Keith was abusive in many ways and obsessive over me. I felt I couldn't even breath without him questioning, "where and why and how", I was suffocating and was nearing the point of mental breakdown. I finally convinced Keith that we needed to break it off, I was so unhappy with our relationship and deserved better. He refused to let me take the kids to my Mom's and I knew he wouldn't provide any support to me to keep them. He insisted that we take them to his sister's and I didn't have the capacity to protest any longer. Either he left for good or I would lose it entirely.
I took me several months to gain the courage to file for divorce once he left. I worked constantly and traveled 400 miles every other month with my Mom to take the kids for the weekend. Keith meandered from Florida to California and back to Utah in the same town as his sister.
Once the divorce was finalized and I was granted full custody of the kids, they moved back to Dixie with me in December of 2005. Keith ended up remarrying in May of 2006 and the marriage only lasted a matter of a year maybe?...I'm not sure, you know the power of divorce? It makes you so you don't have to care anymore..ha!
Back to the present: Keith was only here for about a month after returning home from England. I honestly don't know why he didn't stay there, but the kids enjoyed him picking them up on a few occasions...taking them places and even to church when I was work. There was something different about him, his aura has changed. He has lost probably 70 lbs since I was faced with him on a daily basis and was struck by those green eyes that seemed to leap out at you as you passed. Perhaps he woke up one day and realized that life was passing him by and maybe he should take the time to enjoy it before it was gone...I'm not going to speculate. He has returned to England while his fiance sells her house and gets all the necessary paper work in order for them to move to the states again. I guess she joined the church and has a 12 year old? daughter, they plan to be back here in about six months to move to Florida.
Okay, I know that was really long and I apologize if you fell asleep...it has now been said and now I can go on blogging about the kid's activities and whatnot! It takes two people to create life and wishing for the other person to not exist is counterproductive...my kids, my life wouldn't exist without him.