And So I Regret..

Now it's pretty bad when Mom calls to ask how things are because you haven't blogged in a couple of weeks! I really haven't been able to help it though...If you read my post about being so extremely busy, then you would be shocked at how much more we could stuff in a couple of weeks! I'm not going to bore you with details, but I will post some pics and highlights in my next post.
I've received a bit of a shock this week, my boss was fired unexpectedly. It's a shame that a company can be more concerned about their bottom line, then the loyalty and hard work of an individual that has been with the company 10+ years. I'm not going to go into detail (it makes me really mad), but I will definitely keep my guard up in my future. We are all friends and it's going to be hard to be there without her.
Lee has had some serious problems with extreme high blood pressure, even with healthy eating (especially with the celiac's), regular exercise, and what-not. He has had a series of blood tests done the last couple of weeks and they put him on an anti-anxiety medication and his doctor has decided it is one of a couple of things. Neither of which are ideal, but both are treatable. I'll blog more about this when we are able to nail down an actual diagnosis. He's been quite stressed and I've been worried...I'm sure it will be alright though, I mean what else can you do except deal?
Here's why I titled this post as such...
Every so often I feel regret. I regret the choices I've made, I regret the actions that have placed me in the very place I am with no way to turn around. I regret how I've acted towards others, I regret how acted towards myself. I can hear the voice of my Mom echoing in my ears, "you can never go back, what's in the past stays in the past..." It doesn't stop me from wishing I had done some things very differently. I really don' feel this way very often, mostly when I go home to Page... I think that's why I don't go home very often. It's hard to be faced with your past and be fully aware that you messed up and messed up big. My parents are awesome, they support me and my decisions, they don't pressure me, and love me unconditionally. I couldn't ask for better parents, hands down...I hate to think that I messed up along the line and disappointed them in any way.
Here's what I wish...
I wish I hadn't met my now ex-husband. I wish I hadn't dated him, I wish I hadn't married him. I wish that I didn't have to ever think about him again, I can't do it though. I wish he was here, if only for the sake of our kids. I wish I had a family, a normal, boring, Mom, Dad, kids, house, dog family. I wish I didn't have to explain myself or Lee and I's relationship ever, I do though. I wish I had a husband, I wish I could have another child with my husband who has no children of his own. I wish I didn't have to think about any of this and I wish I didn't have to cry alone.
Here's what I don't regret...
My kids. I love them more than life itself, however they came to me. My expereinces. The easy and the difficult, they are what makes me, me. Myself. Messed up in thinking, mistake maker extraordinaire. I love deeply and judge not what others are, do, or what they may think of me. Life. I don't regret having lived it and I don't regret who I am. Life is hard, life runs you down. Life doesn't play fair, life goes on. Life goes on whether you get up and play or whether you sit on the sidelines and watch it go by.
I regret some things, I wish for simplicity, I don't regret myself. I haven't the answers, I may not find them ever, but I love my family and those near to my heart and sometimes that's all you need.=0)